The Rules of Engagement

So far, I’ve resisted writing a blog about weddings and all the preparations that go with it. I suppose this is for no other reason than I am certain I’ve got nothing new to say on the subject. You only have to type ‘wed’ into Google and already you’re inundated with a thousand pastel-coloured, shabby-chic styled links all promising to show you how to make your day the most romantic/stylish/grand (delete as appropriate). It’s only now, a mere three weeks away from the big day, that I wonder if perhaps there is something to say that maybe, just maybe, no one ever really wants to mention.

The fights.

Planning a wedding is the single most stressful thing you can do. Fact. I know that ‘moving house’ always sits rather regally at the top of those ‘The Most Stressful Things You Can Do’ lists but that’s only because they don’t want to admit that something that should be heartwarming, family-oriented and drowned in gushing love, could actually be so damn difficult at times. Even, the usually unflappable, darling-of-the-nation, Kate Middleton, apparently resorted to her old habit of smoking just to get through April and Kim Kardashian has come out in a rash! And I'm willing to bet it's all because of the fights.

I don’t care how close you are to your family. I don’t care how perfect your love is. I don’t care how secure you are in your relationship and how amenable you are on a daily basis. The simple fact is that planning a wedding is an exercise in diplomacy and peace negotiations on a scale similar to that required of world harmony. Everyone involved, I repeat EVERYONE, changes when faced with a wedding to plan. Parents, brides, grooms, in-laws, children, bridesmaids…everyone has an idea of what they want the wedding day to be like.

This transformation in people isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes otherwise grumpy parents becomes balls of candy-floss in the face of taffeta, rose petals and bunting. Best men, who previously struggled to get themselves out of the house in the morning, suddenly turn into event organizers of the highest caliber. But mostly, people look at this once-in-a-lifetime event and decide that, for the first time, they’re going to stand their ground. And then the fights begin.

Initially it’s harmless. It may just be the odd throw away comment said in ‘jest’ that evaporates as quickly as it emerged leaving the echoed resonance of a very serious point flapping its wings behind it. It may be a gentle case of emotional blackmail coloured in those unmistakable passive-aggressive tones : “Well, darling, you know your grandma, who’s not very well at the moment, would be heartbroken if you didn’t get married in church.” Whatever it is, the initial incidents appear harmless, often so subtle, that you don’t even realize it’s happened at all.

But as the pressure builds so does the tension. People no longer bother with the veiled comments. It’s just said out loud. Gentle emotional blackmail becomes outright down and dirty: “Well, that was your grandma on the phone. She’s not coming unless you get married in her church, wearing her old dress. In fact, she'd rather die.” (Brides resist the urge to say they choose option B). Mothers decide to tell brides that they don’t think they’re marrying the right person three weeks before the wedding. Fathers refuse to wear what the rest of the bridal party are wearing, followed up with the ultimate power play: “…and darling, just remember who’s paying for this.”

Before I continue, I want to make clear, that these examples are not from my own experience of wedding planning…well, not all of them. They are, however, real-life experiences from friends who have already travelled this road.

But even all of this is nothing compared to the fights that weedle their way between you and your other half to be. The pressure of organizing the wedding, the financial hardships, the management of peace negotiations between two otherwise magnetically opposed families soon takes its toll. The bride worries about whether all this planning is going to come together on the day. She worries about whether everyone will be happy sitting where they are placed (they won’t be). She worries about whether everyone will have a good time. Do the bridesmaids hate their gowns? Have they chosen a venue too remote and difficult to get to? Will guests talk in muted whispers about the amount of money it’s cost them to get there? The groom worries about the enormity of the event. He wonders if they’ll ever be able to scrape back the savings afterwards. He worries about messing it up at all. He worries he can’t dance and isn’t that good at speeches. He worries about his father-in-law. He worries about his father. His mother. Her mother.

Because the simple fact is, you’re setting yourself up to upset a lot of people amidst an event that is defined by emotion, relationships, love, belonging and drama and as we all know in life…very few of these things are governed by logic, reason and rationality. With logic, reason and rationality already out of the window, it’s a difficult starting point.

The fights between the bride and the groom don’t manifest themselves in things regarding the wedding. You don’t argue about the seating plan, or the flowers or the speeches or outfits. The fights are secret spies sent out by the patron saint of marriage to give you the final test right up until that moment that you say ‘I do.’ You fight about staying out too late when normally it isn’t a problem. You fight about who has the car and who takes the tube when normally it’s a logical choice. You fight to defend family members that you don’t even, on a normal day, much like. The end of each fight ends with the same words: “This wedding is putting a lot of pressure on both of us”.

And it’s true. As far as wedding planning goes, we’ve probably had it fairly easy and the majority of it has been a fun and memorable process. The practical arrangements all fell, mostly, into place. There have been family members that have said the wrong thing, resisted certain ideas and, in some cases, been outright difficult. But just because it hasn’t been a bear fight from beginning to end doesn’t mean there isn’t any pressure.

But in the end, it comes down to this. Never once during a pre-wedding fight have either of us ever questioned whether we want to marry each other. The fact that the fighting has increased in the run up to the wedding hasn’t made us consider whether we should in fact be getting married. We are being tested and to be honest, we are passing with flying colours but bugger me, it’s exhausting.

So, it’s ok to hate this bit. It’s ok to get to a point where you wish you’d just booked the registry office down the road and got it over and done with. It’s ok to wonder if it was all worth the trouble. It’s ok to wonder if this is how it’s supposed to feel. And, it’s ok to fight…just as long as you get to make up afterwards.